Wednesday, April 30, 2008

An Appeal To Me From My Old Leather Pants

Hey, long time no see. So funny that you reached for me just now, because I was just thinking about you! Crazy, right?

I like what you’ve done with the room. Very tasteful.

Hey, wait a second. What’s missing? Did you take down the “Viva Hate” poster? You sold it? Oh. That’s uh…no, that’s cool. Bet you got a nice, hefty sum for that on eBay, am I right? What? Hell yes, I’ve heard of eBay. Dude, it hasn’t been that long. Don’t you remember? Halloween, ’03? It was Shelly Ferguson’s party, you went as Harley Davidson, and your buddy Paul was The Marlboro Man. Come on, it was genius! That’s not true, a lot of people got it. Dude, that movie’s a cult classic! Whatever, you looked good, that’s what matters. Well, I can see we’ve made major improvements in the self-esteem area…

So else what have you been up to? “Not much?” Yeah, I figured. I mean, you’ve haven’t put me on in over a year, so that means one thing is certain: you haven’t been rocking your balls off!

Sorry, that sounded bitter, didn’t it? I’m not bitter, really. I like the closet. I know that’s weird, pants like me usually love the road, you know. The wide open spaces. Motorcycles. Bars. Rock concerts. But, you know, when a college student from Ohio buys you during his one semester sojourn in New York City, you know to manage your expectations.

Hey, what’s with all the clothes piled up on the bed? Are you cleaning out the closet? That’s good, man, ‘cause it’s crowded in there, let me tell you. Some sorting is long overdue, I think. Wheat from the chaff.

Yeah, see, you don’t have to say it. I can see it your eyes. I’m going, too, aren’t I?

You’re ashamed. Don’t be. I mean, it hasn’t been the same for us in a long time. I can admit that. Just because I’m sequined doesn’t mean I’m immature. If it’s time to move on, then c’est la vie, you know? No regrets.

But, can I ask you a question, though? We had fun, right? I didn’t just imagine that?

Just promise me I won’t go to Goodwill. Give me Melrose. You’ll get a good amount, I promise you. And if not there, I know a place in the Palisades.

Do right by me, brother. I ain’t done rocking, even if you are.

1 comment:

Danny Fisher said...

Genius. It seems like yesterday that I saw you wearing those and cruelly asked, "Are we going to auditions for the Matrix sequels?"