Monday, May 05, 2008

When the World Gives You Nothing, Make Laughter-Ade

Sometimes I sit down to write and nothing comes. Normally when this happens, my next step is to think, “what did you see today that was funny?” But sometimes, like right now for instance, nothing comes to mind. I believe I had a completely unfunny day. I saw nothing remotely chuckle-worthy. No clowns. No one falling and looking around with embarrassment. No weird juxtapositions, like a Hasidim on a skateboard, or a hooker buying stamps. Is that too much to ask, comedy lords?

I know what you’re thinking: Jimmy, you live in Hollywood. You didn’t see someone dressed like Iron Man waving a flag made of thousand dollar bills while tickling a homeless man with a large feather? If I did, my friends, believe me you’d know.

I didn’t even hear anything funny. No burps, no farts, nothing. No mangy street artists singing “Islands in the Stream” to a bunch of disinterested Goth kids. I guess if I really wanted to hear that, I could have gone down to the Promenade. But judging by the rest of my day, I’m guessing nothing like that would have been happened.

Where were you, goofy bus ad featuring that mustachioed personal injury lawyer smiling behind a giant “Accidentes?”

And you, municipal worker guy who can’t get the fire hydrant to stop spraying water on your pants no matter how many times you turn the wrench? Took a day off, did you?

No one felt like pressing their bare ass to the laundromat window today? Really?

Starbucks, you let me down. When’s the last time you let a lama prepare someone’s mocha latte? Never?

Exactly my point. Today was as good a time as ever.

Salami car? Occurred to no one, apparently.

Police arresting a palm tree? File that under “too much to ask.”

Ninja grandma rapping in the car wash? Maybe… if this were Fantasy Land.

I know what your else you’re thinking: Hey, Jimmy, what were you doing today to bring laughter to this world? Instead of bitching and moaning, maybe you could have sat on a cactus, or mugged a squirrel? You’ve got a baseball glove, why not put in a baby carriage and push it around Whole Foods?

You know what? You’re right. Life is not a one way street. We get what we give, and so on. I can say with confidence, right now, that tomorrow will be way funnier than today. I’m gonna make damn sure of it. As we speak, I’m laying out my clothes. Shorts. T-shirt. Pineapple bra. Yogurt socks. Toilet paper belt. Checkbook hat. Doorknob.

Hey, World. Knock-knock.

Who’s there?

Your funnybone. Remember me?

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

An Appeal To Me From My Old Leather Pants

Hey, long time no see. So funny that you reached for me just now, because I was just thinking about you! Crazy, right?

I like what you’ve done with the room. Very tasteful.

Hey, wait a second. What’s missing? Did you take down the “Viva Hate” poster? You sold it? Oh. That’s uh…no, that’s cool. Bet you got a nice, hefty sum for that on eBay, am I right? What? Hell yes, I’ve heard of eBay. Dude, it hasn’t been that long. Don’t you remember? Halloween, ’03? It was Shelly Ferguson’s party, you went as Harley Davidson, and your buddy Paul was The Marlboro Man. Come on, it was genius! That’s not true, a lot of people got it. Dude, that movie’s a cult classic! Whatever, you looked good, that’s what matters. Well, I can see we’ve made major improvements in the self-esteem area…

So else what have you been up to? “Not much?” Yeah, I figured. I mean, you’ve haven’t put me on in over a year, so that means one thing is certain: you haven’t been rocking your balls off!

Sorry, that sounded bitter, didn’t it? I’m not bitter, really. I like the closet. I know that’s weird, pants like me usually love the road, you know. The wide open spaces. Motorcycles. Bars. Rock concerts. But, you know, when a college student from Ohio buys you during his one semester sojourn in New York City, you know to manage your expectations.

Hey, what’s with all the clothes piled up on the bed? Are you cleaning out the closet? That’s good, man, ‘cause it’s crowded in there, let me tell you. Some sorting is long overdue, I think. Wheat from the chaff.

Yeah, see, you don’t have to say it. I can see it your eyes. I’m going, too, aren’t I?

You’re ashamed. Don’t be. I mean, it hasn’t been the same for us in a long time. I can admit that. Just because I’m sequined doesn’t mean I’m immature. If it’s time to move on, then c’est la vie, you know? No regrets.

But, can I ask you a question, though? We had fun, right? I didn’t just imagine that?

Just promise me I won’t go to Goodwill. Give me Melrose. You’ll get a good amount, I promise you. And if not there, I know a place in the Palisades.

Do right by me, brother. I ain’t done rocking, even if you are.