Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Alec Baldwin Addresses the Talent at Cash Money Records.

Baldwin: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...bitching about that rhyme you dropped, somebody that doesn't want to hush that fuss, some hoe you're trying to freak and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

Slim Williams: All but one.

Baldwin: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to L’il Wayne) Put that forty down!! Forty’s are for closers only. (L’il Wayne scoffs) Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Mitch and Murray. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's L’il Wayne?

L’il Wayne: Yeah.

Baldwin: You call yourself a thug, you son of a bitch?

Juvenile: I don't have to listen to this shit.

Baldwin: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to earn back your props, starting tonight. Starting with tonights show. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to tonight’s battle. As you all know, first prize is a stretch Hummer limo with custom rims. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a case of Mickey’s. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got beats. Mitch and Murray paid good money. Write the rhymes to slay them! You can't slay the beats you're given, you can't slay shit, you ARE shit, mash that trash pal 'cause I'm a bet, hot enough to make the concrete sweat, fuck with me the wrong way and know you'll never forget!

L’il Wayne: The beats are weak.

Baldwin: 'The beats are weak.' Fucking beats are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years.

Juvenile: What's your name?

Baldwin: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to L’il Wayne) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't rhyme in time? You can't get your shine on. (at a near whisper) And you go home and tell your biatch your troubles. (to everyone again) Because only one thing counts in this life! Get that trunk to crunk to the bunk! You hear me, you fucking faggots?

(Baldwin flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)

Baldwin: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-crunking. Always be crunking! Always be crunking!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention – can I get a what-what? Interest -- are you down with this? I know you are because it's slump or bump. You crunk or you flunk the hunk! Decision -- have you lunk the wunk?!! And action. A-I-D-A; now get bunk!! You got the DJ spinnin’; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't walk in da club unless he wants to bump thumps. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Juvenile) What's the problem pal? You. Juvenile.

Juvenile: You're such a hero, you're so fly. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of suckas?

(Baldwin sits and takes off his gold watch)

Baldwin: You see this bling-bling?

Juvenile: Yeah.

Baldwin: That bling cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you rakin? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. TRU nigga? I don't give a shit. Pussy slaya? Fuck you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work here? Crunk!! (to Birdman) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you gonna fling rhymes make the trains run on time?! You don't like it -- step. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make the crowd say “Hey Hey, have my babey!” On and on! To the break of dawn! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-I-D-A!! Get Bunk! You sons of bitches! Get Bunk!! You know what it takes to crunk?

(He pulls something out of his briefcase)

Baldwin: It takes brass balls.

(He's holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate "area"--he puts them away after a pause)

Baldwin: Go and do likewise, suckas. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on that stage tonight and crunk, it's yours. If not you're going to be slicking my trick. Bunch of suckas sitting around a BBQ. (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a playa, it's a tough racket." (he takes out a CD) These are the new beats. These are the Glengarry beats. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Williams) They're for crunkers.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Juvenile as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Mitch and Murray asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and fling that bling because a bitch is a bitch. Word.

1 comment:

Danny Fisher said...

I don't know who came up with the idea first, but these dueling Baldwin pieces by you and Masty are hilarious. I give your's the edge in terms of execution ("forty's are for closers only" and "follow my advice and fling that bling because a bitch is a bitch" are the two funniest lines between them), but the cruelty inherent in Masty's is pretty great.