Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Yes, My Tusk Is Actually A Sensory Organ. I’d Still Trade It For Legs, Or An Ipod

Everyone’s so excited because some dentist from Harvard finally discovered that my tusk is actually a giant thermometer. Whoop-di-do, I’d still lop it off in a heartbeat. Everybody thinks a nine-foot long tusk is so fucking cool, until they grow one themselves.

What’s that? I’m the only mammal with a nine-foot long tusk? My point exactly.

Sure it’s unique. Sure it’s baffled scientists for centuries. Sure it was rumored to possess magical powers. God, if only. If it was magic, I’d have already turned my fins into legs, grown lungs, and transformed the tusk into a pair of Bose QuietComfort headphones.

I don’t want to talk about what the tusk is really for. Barometric pressure, temperature changes-- I mean I’m depressed already. I liked it when you thought it was a mating device, or a weapon. At least that had mystique. I used to be like a God, a God of the sea. Mysterious. Elusive. My bones had medicinal powers, they could cure diseases, change lives. People didn't know if I was a friend or not. They wanted to know, but they were also afraid. Afraid of my power. Afraid of what my tusk and I might do.

Now everyone knows it’s all bullshit, and all I can think about is how I’ll never drive a BMW.

Let’s face it, all this cooing and ogling from the scientific community, a profile in The New York Times, none of it changes the fact that I’m freakishly ugly. Do you know what the word “narwhal” means in old Norse? “Corpse whale.” A whale that looks like a corpse. Wonderful. You know what I think about that? I think it’s an insult to corpses. At least they don’t look like they’ve been poked in the eye with a giant waffle cone.

So, seriously, think about that the next time you talk about how “wonderful” it is that my task has “sensory abilities.” Your feet also have sensory abilities, except they’re wearing the new Nike Air Flight Banger TB’s. Must be nice.

Highlights from the Upcoming Episode of "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy" Featuring Karl Rove

- Reading through his profile in the car, Jay reminds everyone that Rove was the chief architect behind the president’s proposed Federal Marriage Amendment. Says Carson, “Wait till he meets me, suddenly he’ll be all about gay marriage.”

- Carson takes one look at Karl’s closet, recoils in horror. “I’m declaring this the new front in the war on terror.”

- Thom finds a 3-week old donut under Karl’s futon cushion, deems it “Couch-gate.”

- Kyan jokingly asks how Karl could ever let his mother see his bathroom like this. Karl replies that his mother committed suicide when he was 30. Jay shouts, “Awkward!”

- In preparation for a speech that evening before the American Enterprise Institute, Carson suggests Karl tie a Ralph Lauren sweater around his neck. “You want to say you’re about war, but you’re not ALL about war. Know what I mean?”

- Ted and Karl agree that in politics and food, simplicity and presentation are everything. “You think tax cuts, I think lemon-grilled fish in banana leaf wrap.”

- Thom implores Karl to only buy 600 thread count sheets from now on. “You’re the Deputy Chief of Staff in charge of policy, you’re worth it.”

- Karl cries joyful tears after Kyan convinces him to wax his back hair, saying, “I’ve always been so afraid.”

- Before going back to testify before a grand jury about the outing of a undercover CIA officer, Jay and Karl talk about what music to play in the car. They settle on Spoon’s “Don’t Let It Get You Down.”