Wednesday, September 07, 2005

FEMA Director Michael Brown Has A Wife

Is something wrong? You're goddamn right something is wrong. Oh no, don’t you dare pull that “I’ve got a job to do” shit with me now. Not after what I’ve been through these past two years. You know sometimes I think that’s why you took this job. “Uh-oh, Sheryl’s on a rampage. Thank God for that landslide in Ventura.”

Yes, thank you, I realize New Orleans is underwater. But you know what? I don’t care. Senators are calling for your head on national television? Big deal. I’m talking about what’s going on here, in this house, right under your nose. This week has been a Category 4 natural disaster for this family, Michael. And I, for one, am not satisfied with your response.

What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. Your son Frederick turned in a plagiarized microeconomics paper and was promptly expelled. When did I find this out? When I went in to meet with his guidance counselor this afternoon, by myself. You’ll be interested to know the counselor asked if Freddy’s father was aware of his disciplinary issues. I said no, but that shouldn’t be a surprise, since his father just announced on CNN that he was unaware of the thousands of refugees stranded at the New Orleans Convention Center.

What’s that? The President says you’re doing a good job? Well then, mission accomplished! A pat on the back from Joe Integrity himself. Wow, congratulations. Next stop, medal of freedom.

Oh, he appreciates you. Well isn’t that sweet. Maybe you ought to divorce me and marry him then. Kids, come inside! Meet the new first lady!

Hey, didn’t I hear someone leaked a memo saying you waited until the day of the storm to request help from Homeland Security? Any thoughts on where that came from? Nah, couldn’t be The White House. They never leak. Valerie Plame, who's that? Hey, by the way, Stevie Wonder called. He wants his eyesight back.

I have no idea what I’m talking about? Oh, you don’t want to have a conversation about qualifications right now, Mr. Arabian Horse Show Association. No you do not.

Yeah, well, when your parents turn on the TV and hear Scott McClennan say you’ve “decided to spend more time with your family,” you better hope no one is pointing a camera at me. Because they'll see me at the beach house, changing the fucking locks.


Danny Fisher said...

You are brilliant, my friend. I think when I speak for all of your readers--all three of us--when I say that I'd like to buy you a drink and shake your hand.

Ofc. Krupke said...

This is very funny. Nice job, Saff!

Darren said...

Correction. Four. Four readers.

Alicia said...


democracys said...

I read it.

It was good.

I have a red pencil box.

Tom said...

Pete Rose Haircut is the best thing I ever read. Some of.