Monday, August 15, 2005

Yes, I’m An Astronaut.

Yes, I have degrees in both aerospace engineering and physics. No, I can’t afford to be absent-minded. Yes, I’m aware the world is watching. Yes, I know I left my razor behind at the International Space Station.

Yes, I’m aware I left my journal, too. Yes, I heard it read aloud by the Russians on their daily transmissions yesterday. Yes, I heard the giggles. Yes, I wrote the phrase “a kagillion stars.” Yes, I’m aware there is no such word as “kagillion.”

Yes, thermal protection is my specialty. Yes, I want another launch in September. Yes, I was alarmed by the foam loss. Yes, I have ideas on how to reduce its size. Yes, they’re in my journal. Yes, I see your point.

Yes, I like Harry Potter. Yes, that’s my “Half-Blood Prince” in the crew quarters. No, I didn’t finish it before we returned. Yes, I will have to buy another copy now that we are back. No, I didn’t know Dumbledore died. Thank you very much for telling me.

Yes, I take my job seriously. Yes, I think what we do is important. Yes, I believe in the mission. No, I didn’t say NASA was a “clown show.” Yes, I did write that Colonel Reed reminds me of Fatty Arbuckle. Yes, I think there is a distinction.

Yes, I like my job. Yes, I want more shuttle missions. No, I don’t think we should abandon the space station. Yes, I want to fly the successor spacecraft. No, I don’t think it should be named after me. Yes, I realize that wasn’t a serious question.

Yes, I’m currently single. Yes, I live alone. Yes, as of a few weeks ago that was not the case. Yes, I wrote that the infinite black of space is only slightly lonelier than my apartment. No, I have nothing to add to that.

Yes, I know there were reporters camped out at my mother’s. Yes, I heard she talked to them. Yes, I know what she said. No, I didn’t call her when I landed. Yes, I haven’t called her in months. Yes, I forgot her birthday. No, I don’t want the press and public thinking we send degenerates into space. Yes, but you’re assuming that she’s ever been supportive about anything I’ve ever done in my entire life ever, which she has not. Yes, I suppose giving birth to me is something. No, you’re right, I wouldn’t have walked on the moon if it weren’t for her, but we can’t exactly give out medals for getting knocked up by the factory foreman, now can we?

Yes, I realize you’re the one asking the questions. No, I have nothing further. Yes, I plan to shave tomorrow.

No, thank you.


Mathis said...

Yes, that was funny.

Danny Fisher said...

No, that was genius.