Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Go-To Guys (TM)

Established 1963. Fielding young, educated, resourceful temporary workers to meet your myriad personal and business needs.

Exact services rendered are determined on a client-by-client basis. Past customer requests include the following:

“Balance my checkbook.”

“Rewire this lamp.”

“Proofread this legal brief.”

“Inventory this lumber.”

“Redesign my company letterhead and alter my seasucker for tonight’s fundraiser.”

“Hang these curtains and reset my shoulder.”

“Cancel my subscriptions and forge this Vermeer.”

“Prepare my tax return and deliver Ohio.”

“Clear those gutters and drive my herd to Montana.”

“Spay my boxer and check the accuracy of this Clippership model.”

“Change the air filter and find my daughter a proper suitor.”

“Organize my collection of vinyl records, first by release date, then by relevance.”

“Title my installation.”

“Freak this and, upon completion, peep that.”

“Unclog that drain and build me an exit strategy for invading an oil-producing nation with a history of entrenched tribal conflict.”

“Make reservations for four at Spago, under the name “Camille,” and bring me the head of Diego Santa La Joya.”

“Gather quotes on this shelving job and restore honor to my father’s name.”

“Clip my hedges and reveal to me my deepest insecurities."

“Conduct tissue graft.”

“Translate Oslo Accord into Mandarin.”

“Scout the top power-forward in the upper NorthEast region.”

“Restore my Faberge Egg.”

“Resolve the Krumberg paradox.”

“Apply this formula.”

“Apply this grout.”

“Mail these thank-you notes.”

Call now for a consultation. All major credit cards accepted. This is not an escort service.

3 comments:

Mathis said...

Day three and already perfection.

Danny Fisher said...

Saffron Lives!!

Pete said...

A New Yorker writer in a Pete Rose haircut? Brilliant, isn't it? Indeed, it is!